Taking Control

Fri, 03 Feb 2006 19:07:11 GMT

Okay... so for the past three days I have been workin out like crazy! I am sooo proud of myself!

I have a running schedule. I have to run a certain amount of time at a certain speed everyday. The time increases like every other day and every two weeks my time decreases but the speed increases. I have already written it all out. My goal is to beable to run 30 minutes at 6.6 mph. Today I ran 15 minutes at 6.3 mph and tomorrow I plan on running 17 min at 6.3 mph. However today I was and still am procrastinating on doing laundry. So I was in the gym for like an hour and a half! YAY!!!! and burned over 600 calories!!! :o)

But I have to admit I am a little nervous about this w/e. I know that I will keep working out... but I still bearly have any control over what I eat. grrr.... My best friend is comin up today to visit and when we are together we always are eating. Plus it is Superbowl Sunday this w/e, and even though I hate to admit it "football" food is sooo good! But absolutely discusting and filled with calories and grease. However, my best friend and I have agreed to be on diets and to support each other. Hopefully, it will stick.

February

Wed, 01 Feb 2006 19:48:34 GMT

A NEW Month in a NEW Year!!!! Yeah!

And this will be MY Month in MY Year. I know I know... there was January, but that was just practiced, and honestly I just fucked it up. So this is a fresh start. This month there will be some changes.

Right now I weigh a disgusting 146 lb.

My Goals
Feb 15th.... 142lbs
March 1st.... 138 lbs (at least!)

I've actually written out more dates and goals, but right now I don't want to jinx it and just focus on this month.

Otherwise, I will stress out. I mean My birthday is coming up and so is Spring break, which means bikini season is just right around the corner! Yeah... no pressure!

Soo... Today. So far I have consumed 280 calories.
South Beach Wrap- 220 cal
Werther's Carmel candy :o(- 40 cal
Propel Fitness H2O- 20cal

I plan on running today, and having a cup of cottage cheese for dinner. That's my plan. Hopefully, I will stick to it. I have already been tempted to binge today. But instead I read a few entry's in the ana_friends community. Yay! for me!

Out of Hand

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 06:12:26 GMT

I am fat.

And the sad thing is, is that I have gotten use to it.

Day Two

Sun, 15 Jan 2006 22:18:40 GMT

I just got back from the gym today. I ran a mile again. Same as yesterday.

Speed walk five minutes between 3.8-4.1 m/h.
Run five minutes at 6.1 m/h
And then bump it up to 6.3 m/h for the next five minutes.
Finally, walk the last five minutes at 3.9-4.1 m/h.

However, today I did do an abdominal workout after the cardio. I did about 95 crunches and 30 seconds of butterfly kicks. It sucked cause I was in so much pain. I felt so weak and pathetic... blah. I will just have to work on it.

Oh and I actually weighed myself today. I am right at 146 lbs. Which definately isn't good, but it could be worse. :o/

So my goals for this week are...

~to loose 2 lbs
~and to run a whole mile at 6.3 m/h.

As you can tell I am starting small. I want to work my way up. I don't want to get frustrated and quit, but then again I don't want to stay small and loose site of my goals. Tricky tricky... lol. But I am looking at this whole thing as a challenge. I love challenges! So hopefully it will work. I am challenging myself, and I have to tell you... I hate to lose!

My reward... a tattoo! I want a shooting star on the lower right side of my back in honor/memory of my mom. However, tattoos look extremely tacky on ugly fat girls! So that means I must loose the weight if I want it.

So once I weigh under 118... off to the tattoo palor for me! YAY!!!

I'm back...

Sat, 14 Jan 2006 19:08:35 GMT

I went to the gym today... finally! It has been sooo long. During break while I was at home I tried going to the track everyday, but it never stuck. So, hopefully, I will be able to get back into my old schedule of working out everyday.

My ultimate goal (besides maintaining a weight of 108 lbs) is to become a runner. Not just a "oh I'm gonna run so I can lose weight or stay skinny" runner, but a genuine mind, body, soul runner. I want running to replace what I am now dependent on food for. I want to run when I'm stressed, upset, depressed, happy, or just needing an escape from the busy, chaotic world. So I have set a separate goal for my running...

I want to be able to run a 5k by March 25th. (Spring Break)

I think I can do it. Today I ran a whole mile w/o under ten minutes! YAY! lol. Plus I haven't actually ran since like the end of November... Yeah, long time. That's why I am soo happy to be back.

Okay now for the no fun stuff... I originally wanted to be at least a 122lbs by my birthday March 12th, but over the past couple months I blew it. I blew it real bad. I am still at 146 the last time I checked, and I am too scared to look. I know that I have not lost any weight since, and I wouldn't be surprised if I have actually gained weight. So now I must reevaluate my goals. :o(

By March 12th I want to be (WILL BE) 132 lbs.

And by March 25th my goal is to be under 130 lbs.

There. It's kinda depressing to see the #'s go up like that, but hopefully it will motivate me and help me get my life back on track.

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 15:35:50 GMT

Today, December 29, 2005, I weighed in at 144 lb. However, between now and January 31, 2006, my soul goal is to weigh 132 lb. Losing this weight will be what I spend most of my time and energy working towards. It will be one of my top priorities, second only to God and my friends and family. School will follow close after.
Every morning I will have to remind myself of this goal, and concentrate on not forgetting it or putting it aside throughout the day. I have to remember how much I want this, and what I must give up and sacrifice for this goal. It will be worth it! I just have to stay focused.

Rules

1. I will only eat when necessary, and only if I’m in the company of others around me eating.
2. I will only eat small portions, and never finish all of my meal.
3. I will try and maintain a vegetarian lifestyle for the most part, and will no longer eat any sweets, cereals, fast foods, junk foods, or fried foods. I will also try and eat a limited amount of dairy.
4. I will drink homemade juice only as a substitute for a meal.
5. I will run a minimum of a mile everyday 6 times a week. If I binge or "forget" to run I must do 30 man push ups and add another two miles to my next workout.
6. I will do extracurricular activities at least 3 times a week i.e. tennis, Pilates, or weight training.
7. I must dink lots and lots of water! (at least 64 oz a day)
8. I will keep a journal of my progress and daily habits.

My Goals

1-30-06..... -12 lb..... 132 lb
2-28-06..... -8 lb...... 124 lb STGW
3-12-06..... -4 lb...... 120 lb My 19th Birthday!
3-30-06..... -4 lb...... 116 lb
4-30-06..... -6 lb...... 110 lb
5-08-06..... -2 lb...... 108 lb LTGW Last day of Exams

Tomorrow is a new day!

Wed, 16 Nov 2005 04:21:14 GMT

I feel so GROSS!!!!!!

I have binged sooooo much it is disgusting! I HATE IT! I hate the way binging makes me feel… fat, weak, tired, lazy, full, sick, gross, disgusting, low, un-motivated, and depressed. I end up hating myself, afterwards, and then seek more food as comfort.

It’s an awful and vicious cycle. This is what I have been fighting against ever since my mom died. The need to control and stop my binge eating. That way I don’t ever have to feel this way again.

I don’t even know why I do it. Like I’ll just be walking to my dorm, or driving around, or one my computer, and I’ll just all of a sudden have a craving for ice cream, or cereal, or anything. Then I find myself thinking, and trying to find a way so I can eat it. Next thing I know I’m stuffing my face and can’t get enough. I’ll eat anything and end up eating everything!!!

Why??? Why do I do this to myself?

All I want is control over this. To be able to say no and hold to it. I mean come on! Usually, when I start binging I’m not even hungry! Why can’t I say NO?!?!?!?!

I’m tired of being fat. I have gained SO much weight since I’ve picked up this nasty habit… 35 lbs!!! I’m sick of it. I need control. I want to be my old self again full of energy, happy, and loving life! I used to love myself! What happened? I use to love how I looked and was proud of my body.

Now I am embarrassed of my body and how I have let myself let go. I am always tired and depressed. I never want to do anything fun and lots of times I’m jealous of my friends and try to avoid them. I have even started slacking on my school work and over the years I have stopped doing the things I use to love to do and made me, me!

And on the days I binge it is even worse. I become so lazy. I don’t do anything except lay around and eat more. I don’t call my friends, do my homework, run errands, or even go workout! It’s bad, and then I hate myself even more!

So… yeah. I need to stop doing this to myself. No one else is doing this to me. It is all me. I need to gain control of this. I need to learn to say no… to me. I am my worst enemy!

Mon, 14 Nov 2005 00:32:11 GMT

Hoped to have lost more, but I can't complain after yesterdays binging fest!

However, today all I have had is some Cheerios w/ skim milk at like one in the afternoon w/ a vitamin. I plan on having dinner w/ my roommate in a few minutes, but I'm not that hungry so I'll probably just have some soup or 1/2 a turkey wrap. I just got back from the gym. 60 minutes on the stationary bike and then I lifted some weights for about 20, so hopefully my session at the gym helped.

I just really have to stay strong this wee because next week is Thanksgiving and I will not only "have" to eat a lot more, but it will be the first time I see many of my formal (old friends) classmates from high school. fun fun. Today my I talked to my grammy and she told me that she is already makinf a batch of my favorite cookies for Thanksgiving and when I come home... great. I'm just gonna have to stay strong and think thin. The holidays are almost officially here!

Disappointment

Sun, 13 Nov 2005 04:39:21 GMT

Okay… so yesterday I binged a little, but today I binged a lot. I thought I finally had everything under control, but I guess not which really sux!

Both times I binged I was alone and upset… however today I had NO control! I purged for the first time since August! I puked sooo much. It was awful. My mouth feels raw. I didn’t know what to do because I didn’t want all of my hard work to go down the drain. Although I do feel like most of it did.

I guess I will find out tomorrow.

This is from Sunday

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 21:38:25 GMT

ewwwww.... that's all I have to say!

I will weigh myself again this coming Sunday and will post that as well.

The phone call from my dad

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 03:52:01 GMT

Today my dad yelled at me the way he use to yell when we fought.

The same yelling that lead me to binge eat, to seek food as comfort, and ultimately become bulimic. The same yelling that blamed me for everything, and drove me to shield my feelings and thoughts away from everyone who loved me. You know… that type of yelling.

So when he called and started yelling at me for absolutely no reason, getting on to me about nothing, and blaming me for things that had no relevance, I just paused, told my dad that he was out of line, and asked him what was wrong.

He called me later to apologize. He told me he was stress out and that I called on a bad day, and all I said was that he shouldn’t let his anger out on me. Then I forgave him. It was amazing! I didn’t back talk, or offend him in any way. Plus after I got off the phone I didn’t even binge eat for comfort! Instead called Stephanie, watched Oprah w/ Sarah, and the ran two miles without stopping under 20 minutes. I was ultimately on the treadmill for an hour which consited of another mile run and 30 minutes of brisk walking.

I felt strong! I beat food/stress at its own game! and I didn't even realize it until a couple hours later. Hopefully, this is a sign of me, finally, having independence from food, and taking control!

You never know… miracles do happen every day. :o)

Good Morning

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 22:16:41 GMT

I woke up this morning feeling fat and gross. I felt sick from all the food I ate the night before. Then when I got dressed all I could think about when I examined myself in the mirror was “wow, this outfit would look a whole lot cuter on me if I was skinny. If Claire wore the same shirt and pants I am wearing now it would be cute (on her slim athletic figure of 115 lbs), but on me... I look... well, grungy. Not cute at all. This is why I need to be skinny again, so I can get dressed for the day, enjoy it, and then feel confident, and good about myself. I miss that feeling... I NEED to be Skinny!

Today I’m pushing myself! To the limit! No food unless I’m around people who are eating and even then I will eat the bare minimum. Knock on wood. Wish me luck!

I want to be skinny!

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 22:13:13 GMT

I want to be the skinniest of all my friends. I want to skinner than Claire, Mandi, Erin, Nicole and all of their friends. I want to be as skinny as Laura. I am tired of being their somewhat over weight friend. The girl who never gets the guy. The wallflower. I want to be in the center of everything and in control! I want them to all admire me and wish they looked as good as me. I want my friends to be jealous and think that they can’t fit into my clothes. I always want to be the skinniest and most attractive girl in the room. I want the guys to be drawn to me.

I want Brian’s/Jacob’s/Ben’s/etc. to mouth to drop when they see me again. I want them to be like damn… I missed out. I want her!

As for GP, I want him to be speechless when he sees me. I want to let him know that I am no longer is thick big ass white girlfriend. He needs to know that I am now in control and I no longer want to look how he wants me to look. His view on women’s bodies no longer affect me. I am my own person. I want to be the skinny girl he wouldn’t look at before, but trust me all the other guys will. I am white. I want to attract white boys. I want to be that hot skinny ass white girl that he cannot touch.

I want my medium size Soffee’s and Victoria Secret thongs to be able to fall off of me. I want to be a size 4 on a fat day. I want to be smaller than my little brother. I want him to respect me again in that area. I want to lose at least eight pounds before Thanksgiving. I want people to notice. I want to come back for Christmas and have people be amazed by my weight loss. I want them to talk. I want to be skinny enough to get a new wardrobe for Christmas.

I want to feel good about how I look. I want to feel proud.

Celebrities that inspire me!
1. Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen
2. Angelina Jolie
3. Gwen Steffani
4. Scarlet Johansen
5. Audrey Hepburn
6. LC from Laguna Beach
7. Misha Barton
8. Rachel Bilson
9. Rachel McAdams
10. Jennifer Aniston
11. Halley Berry
12. Cameron Diaz
13. Jessica Simpson
14. Lindsey Lohan

Knowing My Limits

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 22:11:35 GMT

Okay, so today was like the first day I actually pushed myself to the limits. I ran over three miles! Of course, I stopped and walked when I thought I couldn’t run anymore, but I kept moving. I didn’t give up! I was proud of myself. However, I was kind of nervous on how my body would react with only breakfast and no lunch in my stomach. I felt a little dizzy but nothing major, but now after I have eaten dinner I feel sick. Although it could just be from the turkey burgers because I don’t think Courtney cooked them all the way. She likes her meat raw, and I am use to my meat well done. So that could be the problem.

Oh also at dinner I didn’t eat any chili cheese fries which are my favorite! I was able to resist and that was no easy task because everyone else was making “mmm…” sounds after they put a pile of fries in their mouths. So I’m pretty proud of myself on that note, too. However, I did give into a brownie. I figured I needed a little bit more food after the long run, and I with the brownie I was able to regulate how mush I ate by only eating one. Unlike the fries where I probably would have eaten like 30 and not even have noticed. So I thought that that was another smart choice as well while everyone else ate two deserts. Plus my period is fixing to come and chocolate is suppose to help moderate mood swings.

I do plan on eating more tomorrow (like not skipping lunch) just because I know that if I don’t I will binge soon. Although all and all I have been doing pretty good (knock on wood). I have been staying focused and motivated. I have to keep reminding myself how much I want this even though it is still early in the game. I want to be skinny. I want to be cute. I want to be 108 pounds. I don’t want to be bulimic anymore or binge when I am depressed. I am sick of that. I want to be healthy. I want to be proud of myself. I want to be happy! Now I just have to take it one day at a time. Just one day at a time.

My Dream

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 22:06:32 GMT

I want to be tiny again!
I miss people coming up to me going “awww/omg you’re so tiny!”

My First Entry

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 22:03:46 GMT

Okay, so it is only my second day of dieting and exercising, and I am about to die. My abs hurt, and I am starving even though I just ate dinner. But it is not like I ate a small dinner, it’s just that I am so use to binging on and eating so many snacks. It is frustrating, because I really want to lose the weight, but this is torture.

I am so dependent on food and I need to stop that. I eat when I’m depressed, stressed, bored, and excited. I even have a history of eating disorders which include binge eating, purging, and diet pills. I am sick of it. I want to live a happy healthy life without food and my weight ruling over every aspect of it. So I guess I better get use to it, and hopefully my stomach will shrink back to its normal size. Right now it is so stretched out from my binge eating it is awful.

I am also working on working back out again. I miss the feeling of being physically strong. I miss the energy. I miss being able to push myself to my limits, set goals, and reach them. Right now I feel so weak and pathetic. I want to be able to run a 5k without even thinking about it, and I want to be able to run a mile when I am a grandma which is one of my life time goals.

I am ashamed of myself. I am embarrassed of how much weight I have gained since my mom died. I am so frustrated at how I just lost myself and let go. I need to get back on track, and this is why I need to stick to my plan. If I let myself slip, even just once, I know that I will lose sight of my goal and give up. I need to learn what self discipline is again and what it is like to be determined and driven toward a goal. I really want this, and I know that right now I am really motivated because it is just the beginning, but I must stay focused. I want this. I want this so bad, even if it is just to prove myself that I can do this.

I am really nervous because I have tried a very similar plan like this before with recording what I eat and my weight and it hasn’t worked in the past. I have always done it for like a week or two but eventually went on a binging spree because I reward myself with a sweet or ice cream. So that means that I must be strict because once I have just that one it is all down hill. Also like I said I tried this a similar plan to this last year, but since then I have actually gained 12 pounds!!!! Yeah, things aren’t looking to good. However, if I can accomplish this goal of losing weight, it will just prove that I can do anything if I just put my mind to it. Plus I will be a lot skinner, healthier, and happier. Oh, soo much happier. :o) And that is all that matters.

So that just means right now I will just have to suck it up and deal with it, and eventually I will see results and everything will be all good. I will buy a pair of Seven brand jeans in a size four, (that way I won’t ever gain the weight back) and look ultra hot wearing them! Plus I will be the size I want to be just in time for Spring break and my 19th birthday. Ahhh… to just lay out on the beach is a bikini and not feel mortified again, to be able to go shopping and wear cute clothes that look good on me again, to have the girls jealous and the guys mesmerized by me again, and to be able to feel confident within myself and LOVE myself again. It will be worth it. I just have to remember that and focus on those images as I pass by the desert counter, and about to pass out on the treadmill.

First Offical Weigh In

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 22:01:53 GMT

Waist- 30.5"
Hips- 41"
Stomach- 36.5"
Thighs- 24"
Hieght- 5'4.5"
BMI- 25.1%
Weight- 148 lbs

NOTE: A week before I hit my ultamite high of 151 lbs!!! (gross)